#I have been regularly obsessed with them since… oh god 2020

[timothylawrence]

i have to say your love for sasha and rhys/sasha makes me giggle. i adore it when you go on about her or their love!

LOL THANK YOU…. I love them so bad it’s embarrassing but I genuinely think they’re my favs from anything… I think abt them regularly 😭❤️❤️❤️ Sasha is my baby 😭❤️

I literally saw this etched into the ground yesterday and was like omg… 😭

[bucksblr]

tagged by @leonzhng​ thanks for making me dig through my most embarrassing crushes 😭✋

i’ll tag @highwarlockkareena​ @yibobibo​ @lan-xichens​ @purplexedhuman​ @aheartfullofjolllly​ @lanzhansmiles​ @nyx4​ i feel like i tag you guys in everything i am so sorry please ignore this if u don’t wanna do it !!

putting this under a read more for reasons

MEN 2010 – 2016

literally nothing more embarrassing than falling on the same type of white man over and over again (with the exception of minho from shinee bless his heart)

tommy joe ratliff → he was the bass player for adam lambert during his glamnation era (think of songs like for your entertainment and if i had you) idk why exactly i liked him so much but i just did.... however i searched him up again quite recently and found out he’s one of those republicans that says the dumbest shit on twitter so Big Yikes

harry styles → “baby you light up my world like nobody else, the way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed, and when you smile at the ground it ain’t hard to tell...” and BOOM 13-year-old me was sold for well over two years

louis tomlinson → basically i liked harry most until around 2013 when for some reason i started to like him a little less, and i got more focused on louis tomlinson, and although i didn’t like one direction anymore louis tomlinson always had a special place in my heart

ashton irwin → so ashton is 5sos’ drummer, i discovered 5sos through one direction & i stanned them until late 2014

harries twins → the harries twins (jack & finn) are basically the reason i started spending a lot of time on youtube, they were funny and pretty and they just had good videos in general, so for almost two years i’d watch their content regularly

choi minho → my first steps into kpop happened bc i was watching videos on youtube (most probably the harries twins) and suddenly i saw the sherlock mv in my recommended videos so i clicked on it and then 14-year-old me proceeded to fall for minho like an idiot

brooks twins → still youtubers, the brooks twins were 3/5 of the janoskians (jai & luke brooks, beau brooks, daniel sahyounie, & james yammouni), an australian youtube comedy group that was active from 2011-2018 though i was only around from 2012-2014 (when jai brooks was dating ariana grande)

jc caylen → surprise! another youtuber! jc caylen was part of o2l (our2ndlife) a youtube collaboration channel on which each of the 6 members posted videos on a certain day in the week (mondays with connor, tuesdays with ricky, wednesdays with sam, thursdays with jc, fridays with trevi (my 2nd favorite member bc she participated on the x factor), saturdays with ricardo, and then they had surprise sundays every week) and i remember how much joy jc & the others always brought me with their silly videos

misha collins → up next, you might know him as the gay angel that was sent to superhell after confessing his love to the homophobic hunter on supernatural, it’s misha collins! basically misha was a huge source of comfort for me, and i even went around calling myself emmisha for almost two full years (cringe)

henrik holm → he played even bech naesheim in skam and my crush on him reached that level of ridiculousness where i actually tried my hand at learning norwegian (i can only remember how to introduce myself and some curse words i would make a great first impression on him)

MEN 2016 – 2021

min yoongi → okay so my baby steps into kpop happened through shinee’s sherlock, but i only got really invested when yoongi dropped agust d 1 because Holy Fuck y’know??

kim namjoon → oh man i remember thinking namjoon was cute and a very good leader and then BAM he dressed like THAT at the 2016 mma’s and i fell in love. hard

park seojoon → i started liking park seojoon whilst i was watching hwarang (you guessed it, i watched it bc of taehyung), although he wasn’t my favorite character by far, but he was very silly off camera & i liked that (i’m not that into him anymore tho </3)

kim seokjin → OH BOY LET ME TELL U i liked seokjin from the very beginning (i got to know bts in late 2014) and i always liked seeing him perform and be himself and god once i realized i had a crush on him it just hit me like a mf truck, and he’s still one of my favorite people to this day

jung hoseok → god fake love era hoseok really hits different.... also yes i know i have all of bts’ hyung line on my list BUT bts was a really big part of my life for almost 6 years soooo honestly they deserve it i still think they’re great guys

choi san → when ateez made their debut in 2018 i immediately fell in love with san, he was such an amazing dancer and he captivated me right from the very beginning, to this day he’s still my bias in ateez uwu

xiao zhan → AND THEN, OCTOBER OF 2019 HAPPENS AND I WATCH CQL AND... i fall in love with xiao zhan, something i’d never expected would happen bc when i watched cql for the first time i wasn’t as invested in the story, but i really really really liked xiao zhan and one thing led to another and now here i am as a xfx

wang yibo → the thing is, i’ve known yibo since eoeo except i didn’t know cql yibo was uniq yibo (bc i’d forgotten his name) and when i looked it up i can tell you my jaw dropped to the floor bc holy shit????? also he is very silly and i love him loads ok

lee minho → ah, the man who has been my skz bias since 2018, not only is minho my bias i also kin him (there’s a lot of aspects of myself that i see in minho and vice versa) and he’s very comforting to me

bang chan → honestly, it was only a matter of time before i’d fall for bang chan, i knew the moment i got into skz again that i’d start biasing him and, well, here i am, double biasing chan & minho

WOMEN

this list is shorter bc i’ve in general always had less crushes on women than on men??? blame society forcing me into thinking i was straight for a LONG time

ariana grande → remember the 2011 layout of twitter?? where u could not only have an icon and a header, but also a background and ur twitter page was smack in the center of ur screen with the big ugly menu bar at the top??? yeah ariana grande was always my background for my l*rr* st*l*n*s*n layouts

perrie edwards → this was right around the time she was dating zayn & little mix was breaking out into the spotlight, yeah i just really loved her

andrea russett → okay so remember o2l?? andrea russett was kian’s girlfriend for a pretty long time and they always did videos together and i always thought she was super pretty

lily collins → maybe i don’t like clary in tmi all that much but i sure liked the way lily collins looked

alona tal → MY BISEXUAL AWAKENING, it’s only when i saw alona tal in spn that i realized, fuck i might be gay

park jihyo → i discovered twice (my 2nd jype group after day6) through the like ooh-ahh mv and red-haired jihyo really did something to my heart (i just rewatched it and god zombie bang chan is so mf cute)

kim jisoo → when bp made their square two comeback i was immediately smitten for red-haired jisoo in playing with fire, it’s also when i realized she was my bias out of the four members

shin ryujin → the reason that i have blue hair is partially bc of ryujin and her amazing intro in wannabe :D

xuan lu → her portrayal of jiang yanli was SO ON POINT and she’s just such a kindhearted wonderful person wow i want her hand in marriage

lee yoobin → god i’ve known dreamcatcher from back when they were still called minx and ever since i’ve always looked at dami that bit more than the rest, i was also able to see dreamcatcher live in october of 2019 and the whole experience was just so amazing !!

FICTIONAL CHARACTERS

there’s a whole lot more than just these 10 but i wanted to fit the evolution into one (1) slide as best as i could lmao

peter pan → this movie came out in 2003 (?) and he’s honestly the first fictional character i remember ever having a crush on

legolas → i was really doubting between placing haldir or legolas here but i only really got a vague haldir obsession when i was like 14

zuko → LOOK. ZUKO IN ATLA? HOT. ZUKO IN LOK? HOT EVEN IF HE’S AN OLD MAN.

will turner → man was annoying sometimes but i really liked him and his relationship with elizabeth was cute

jo harvelle → gosh i can’t believe she’s the only female character in here???? yeah she was one of my two spn faves and i’ll never forgive the screenwriters for the way they killed her off

castiel → does your fave ever get sent to super hell for being gay? no? well. mine did

kili → fili and kili’s storyline tore my heart out, spit on it, and then laughed straight in my face, KILI WAS LITERALLY MY FAVORITE DWARF

howl → i only watched this movie for the first time in 2020 so i kinda fucked up the tl cause i watched cql in 2019 but shh, anyways howl with his blonde hair was good looking but howl with his black hair just hits differently. i want a howl

lan jingyi → MY BABY BOY, TINIE LITTLE BABIE WHOMST I MUST PROTECT ok no but seriously this kid. i love him a lot

mu qing → BARK BARK. that’s all (that’s not all i love him a whole lot and it hurts me to see so many people misunderstand his character and only see the bad parts of him when they can forgive others for fucking up (eg. xie lian himself & feng xin) but bc mu qing doesn’t deal well with emotions suddenly he’s the bad guy??? i s2g if ppl are gonna do to him what they did to jiang cheng in the tgcf la i will RIOT)

[soyouareandrewdobson]

A (wind)blast from the past...

So.. lets talk about Dobson and anime.

No, I am not meaning in the way that I am going to dissect his biased spiteful opinions on Japanese animation and comic culture on general (believe me, we are going to get there one day) but in regard of something that even got me by surprise when I learnt of it the day before.

You know Rumiko Takahashi? Mangaka of work such as Ranma ½, One-Pound Gospel, Mermaid Saga and most famously Inuyasha? Not only is this woman one of the most popular and richest mangaka on the planet with multiple awards under her belt (including the Grand Prix de la ville d'Angoulême in 2019) but if you know anything about Dobson at all, you know that she is one of his idols. Meaning of course he plagiarized her wacky tone of humor, certain characters and overall style in his earlier works, primarily Formera and Alex ze Pirate.

Honestly, growing up with Ranma ½ myself (and being disappointed in the ending even today, though the ride was entertaining) I can confirm just how much he was “inspired” by her. Be it by the fact that Perry the Pirate acts like Happosai if he had the genes of Brian Blessed halfway split into him, that most of the wacky sledgehammer humor his characters can engage in is way too similar to what Akane Tendo would do, to Altea being everything Miroku from Inuyasha would be, if you removed his redeeming qualities.

  Well, here is the thing: Although Dobson likes her work, for reasons he never elaborated on, he can’t stand Inuyasha.

Which I assume is related to the manga being less “wacky” than Takahashi’s previous work (though she did also write darker stories like Mermaid Saga before that) . I can’t however say so for certain. All I know is that the manga (in my opinion) ran for longer than was necessary and that Naraku got off easier in a way than he deserved, even if he was killed by the end of it all, which are like two major criticisms I can think of.

 That said, I would be lying if I said I did not adore Inuyasha back in the day and see why other people liked it too. It was one of the first manga I followed regularly and while I can look back at it and see all the cheese to it, I genuinely liked reading the adventure of Inuyasha, Kagome, Shippo, Sango and Miroku, with Sesshoumaru, Jaken, Rin and Kouga as flavor adding side characters. I have fond memories of listening to “Change the World”, I still own the third movie on DVD cause I really like it and the anime and manga is always good for a read down memory lane. But I digress. This is not about me self indulging into my weaboo past, this is about Dobson potentially changing his opinion about Inuyasha soon.

Why? Because it gets the Korra/Boruto treatment now. In short, there is going to be a girl centered sequel.

To elaborate: Last month (May 2020) it was announced that Sunrise, the same studio that did the first Inuyasha anime adaptation, would release around autumn (though that is more or less an estimate) a new series by the title of “Hanyou no Yashahime”, which roughly translates into “Yashahime: Princess Half Demon”. And not just that, Rumiko Takahashi herself will work as character designer on it and anime scriptwriter Katsuyuki Sumisawa, who collaborated with Takahashi on the scripts of all Inuyasha movies and has credits on many other popular Shonen Anime of the 80s, 90s and 2000s, is in charge of scripts.

Here is a link describing a bit more about the show

And here is a description of the plot, courtecy of livechart The daughters of Sesshomaru and Inuyasha set out on a journey transcending time!

In Feudal Japan, Half-Demon twins Towa and Setsuna are separated from each other during a forest fire. While desperately searching for her younger sister, Towa wanders into a mysterious tunnel that sends her into present-day Japan, where she is found and raised by Kagome Higurashi’s brother, Sota, and his family.

Ten years later, the tunnel that connects the two eras has reopened, allowing Towa to be reunited with Setsuna, who is now a Demon Slayer working for Kohaku. But to Towa’s shock, Setsuna appears to have lost all memories of her older sister.

Joined by Moroha, the daughter of Inuyasha and Kagome, the three young women travel between the two eras on an adventure to regain their missing past.

I am not gonna lie, I am baffled, excited and a bit concerned about this. Baffled because it has been over a decade since the manga ended and half a decade since the plot was also wrapped up in animated form. Add to that also the fact that this is the first time Takahashi actually does a sequel to one of her previous works and it is quite a surprise.

Then obviously, I am excited as someone who liked the original story and I kinda want to see where this is going, even if I was okay with the story ending in the first place. See, I am one of those people, I do not need endless continuations of some plots because I have nothing else going on in my life than one work of fiction I can never let go off and call others nazis if they do not agree with me mindlessly consuming it (*cough* Start Wars *cough*)

And Inuyasha is one of those things where I was overall still happy with the end. Ater all, Kagome and Inuyasha together, the villain defeated, Kohaku back to normal, Sango and Miroku busy being parents. YAY! So I do not need a sequel outright.

In addition, I am not necessarily a fan of the entire “sequel series about an offspring of character X” hook that Naruto for example went for with Boruto, because it feels like just doing the same shit over again with a new paint job instead of trying something slightly more original. That and quite often a sequel is only possible by the writer going for “happy end override” where the struggle our original heroes went for is essentially made pointless and their happy end taken away, so that a new conflict for the sequel can even happen. (again, Star Wars, or as one example in videogames that really stunk for me, Golden Sun for the DS).

Which are in the end the things I am actually worried about. That this sequel may turn the end of Inuyasha more tragic than it needed to be. But hey, we still have till autumn. So who knows, perhaps the show will be quite upbeat in its own way. Hopefully at least as “good” as the original. And if not, I can still perhaps enjoy it in a “so bad its good” way.

 But independent of how I may perceive it, I am curious if Dobson, that is, if he even hears of this thing existing, will be interested in it. may do so. After all, on one hand it would be a sequel to a work by his favorite mangaka, who he likes so much, he feels even guilty about inflating characters by her.

 On the other hand, he does not like Inuyasha for never really elaborated reasons.

Then again, this will be a sequel involving the offsprings of Sesshoumaru and Inuyasha. And knowing his boner for lesbians that went so far as to hint he looks regularly even on incestuous shipping art for the characters of Frozen…

 Who knows? Perhaps this will “cure him” of the notion that “homosexual shipping” in anime is creepy and he will join the group of Sesshoumaru and Inuyasha shippers via offspring proxy (sarcasm).

After all, it is”less” creepy when they are cousins, aren’t they? And even if it is “incest” it would still be progressive because it would be two girls. And even if they are not going to kiss and cuddle like the precious tiny little lesbians Dobson likes to imagine a lot of women as, he can still ship them because there is nothing wrong about shipping, as long as he does it.

Can you tell that I am not a fan of his hypocrisy?

Look, in all honesty, I am curious what he would think of the show and how he would “perceive” it. Primarily because it may give additional insight in how far his hatred for anime as well as his lesbian obsession goes.

And on a geekier note to end on,, are Towa and Setsuna supposed to be Sesshoumaru’s daughters? Congratulations on getting busy, you old white haired pretty bo- Wait. They are half demons. Sesshoumaru mated with a human. But the only human he ever even showed a slight level of affection to was…

 Oh…. oh, no!

For the love of god, please let her have been aged up enough! I know she was already aged up in the last chapter of the manga, but considering he was like her father figure... well, that is if Rin is the mother, but... come on, who else?

[idkijustlovebts]

One Year 💜

I can’t believe that I am writing this because that means it has been one year since I became an ARMY. The year has absolutely FLOWN by and I cant believe everything that has happened in the last year. So let's toss it back to the beginning, shall we?

So, fun fact, I LOVE Jimmy Fallon. My dream job is to work in his social media department at the Tonight Show. I have watched his show every day since he was even the host of Late Night.

So I was first exposed to BTS on the tonight show back in 2018 and yet somehow it didn’t stick back then like it did a year ago. I remember watching the entire episode they were on, being impressed with the performance and STILL not looking more into it (can you believe).

I remember how cute it was when they were all introducing themselves and when they got to Jimin, Jimmy said, “Here we go! My man! Here we go!” and Jimin when, “Hey Jimmy! I’m Jimin!” and I was so endeared!!! And yet, nothing. 2018 me would’ve never guessed that man would become my bias wrecker in 2020.

So fast forward to February 2020. BTS was on the Tonight Show again. This time it was a subway special. My god, it was my bread and butter because I just really love New York and Jimmy was showing it off with BTS in tow. I really think that is what helped peak my interest with them. I remember being FLOORED by their “ON” performance at grand central. That dance break was (and always will be) INSANE.

Now, this didn’t necessarily get me to keep looking into them. I just kept watching the performance over and over again.

Then a few days later, I saw a Carpool Karaoke video recommended to me. I regularly watch Carpool (and I love them. Such a unique interview style) so it wasnt out of the blue. And wow. I was pretty much hooked. They were so freakin cute and funny. The songs were incredible! Tae was unbelievably handsome (I honestly would technically consider him my first bias… but sorry babe, that didn’t last long and you are pretty low on the list now 😬). But what really did me in was Jungkook’s vocals in “ON” and “Finesse”. I was stunned. He had the voice of an angel. To say I was obsessed with the Carpool was an understatement. I remember thinking that the one in the plaid was having so much fun at PlyoJam and was SO good at the body rolls. Makes sense now that our dance king was so incredible. I also remember thinking Jimin must be the top dancer if he is teaching. Still makes me a little mad that Hobi didn’t teach, but it is what it is. Anyways, I continued to watched their other videos from when they were on James Cordon and Jimmy Fallon for the rest of the night.

Then the next morning they were trending because they had their ON comeback at MCountdown. Someone tweeted (and I remember it so clearly) and said “Jungkook said his mic is ON” and it was the bridge from ON.

I watched that video a few times over and then went to something else on twitter. I couldn’t stop thinking about it that whole day, however. So then when I went to try and go find the tweet later because I wanted to watch it again (and duh they were still trending) I couldn’t find it. So I went with what clues I could find in the trend and I found it on YouTube. I screen recorded the bridge and that is the first thing that I have saved on my camera roll that is BTS.

These three things are what sold me. The Tonight Show, Carpool Karaoke, and a tweet singling out Jungkook's amazing voice. I couldn’t stop. I was watching performance after performance and I was enthralled. Their stage presence was insane to me. However, thats how deep it got. I told myself I couldn’t get obsessed and I couldn’t go to deep into it (I am a former One Direction stan. I suppose maybe that is some PTSD lol). I was only going to watch performances and listen to their music… well, four seasons of Bon Voyage, countless documentary movies and series, Bangtan Bombs, lives, and so much more content later, I’m an ARMY. So crazy that I didn’t accept it at first. I even asked twitter for help on good songs to listen to first because their discography is insane and I couldn’t figure it out. I did that instead of digging because I didn’t want to get in too deep (she says as she is now learning Korean. I’ve been told I have an obsessive personality).

So that’s all it was, performances and music. I couldn’t fall in love. The morning of March 9th, I woke up and saw some trend about Yoongi’s birthday and I remember saying out loud “Oh! It’s one of their birthdays?!” That was my first BTS birthday. Naturally he ended up being my bias and love of my life. But I never got to enjoy his birthday, because I tried to be nonchalant about loving them. I am SO pumped for his birthday this year!

To be honest, I am not quite sure what happened after that. It was such a blur. I think I just watched a lot of compilation videos for a month and I wanted to see what the clips were really from. Then I updated this Tumblr (on April 2nd, I checked) to a BTS tumblr (from an inactive One Direction account) and just started finding BTS blogs and I haven’t stopped since. I didn’t know much when I switched my username over, I just knew that I really loved them, hence idkijustlovebts.

In the last year I was here for Bangbangcon (the two day 12 hour youtube stream), D-2, the 7th festa (🥺 7), Bangbangcon Live, Map of the Soul 7-The Journey, Break the Silence series and movie, In the Soop, Map of The Soul ON:E, countless Run BTS episodes and vlives, record breaking singles and albums, Grammy nominations, and so so so much more.

I went from thinking Tae was scary because he had no reaction in flinch to realizing he is the most youthful and fun person (and has the best inner child). From thinking Namjoon was arrogant (!) for claiming to be the leader of the group because he spoke English (I’m an idiot, I know), but learning that is a thing in K-Pop and he is the sweetest boy who loves nature and art (and makes me appreciate it more). To learning the Hobi can go from being a literal ray of sunshine to the devil reincarnate in 2.2 when he performs (he's insane. Jimin too). From thinking that Yoongi was some cold, emotionless person to falling head over heels for that man because he is the softest, most caring person with a heart of gold that is full of passion for his music, and he wouldn’t hurt a fly.

So much has happened in the last year and they have been my comfort the whole way through. It is true what they say, “you found BTS when you need them the most”. I was very unhappy with my life last year. They gave me a reason to smile and a reason to wake up every day. They have made me feel so loved. A love I have never felt from a celebrity. It is so obvious how grateful and appreciative they are for ARMY and I am so unbelievably grateful for them. They are my comfort. They are my safe space. They are my whole world (re: my pinned post). I know if I am having a bad day, I can turn on any BTS content and have an instant mood boost.

I am so unbelievably grateful for the last year, and I can't wait to see what more BTS has in store for us for many many years to come because I will be along for the entire ride.

[raemots]

14 February 2020

Well well well look who’s back at her tumblr diary. I’m not sure if this is a good or bad thing because the last time I started this diary was when I was 21, about to go through a pretty serious break up, starting to get out of a pretty serious depression, going through a solid 7 months of being a glorified alcoholic, and then graduating college. You could say there was a lot going on.

First off, I just read my previous most from nearly FIVE YEARS AGO!!! And the frightening thing was.... not a lot has changed. I still kinda feel the same way it sounds like I did in that post. A lot of my friends here in Syracuse are also really busy and have a lot going on and are too busy for me. I don’t really feel as bad about it now as I used to be because we’re all adults now going through adult stuff and it’s hard to make time for people.

I should do a little summary as it’s been a minute. So since I last posted on here, I graduated college (!!!) and then started studying for the CPA exam for the better part of 2 years but I finally got it done. Brodie and I got an apartment together and spent a year there having a FUCKING BLAST until he unfortunately lost his job in Cuse and moved down to DC. After B left, our friend Tristan took over his lease which ended up being fate or destiny or whatever because he ended up meeting my friend Liz from HS and those two crazy kids hit it off and almost 3 years later they’re engaged!! Life man. About 1 year and a half after Tristan moved in, we both moved out of the legendary apartment 4K to get our own places. Since then I’ve had a cute little studio apartment downtown. I also ended up getting a cat who I found in the parking garage across the street from my place. I started my job at a local accounting firm the December after graduating college and have now been with them for over 4 years and I still love it. The work is tiring and never ending but the people keep me going. My bosses continue to be awesome badass women and I really like it.

As for love life, boys have come and gone. There was a run in with Brian #1 that ended up with me finding out he had a girlfriend after we slept together and me pouring a drink on his head in a public place. Its probably the most bad ass thing I’ve done. There was also Brian #2 who I think was the closest I’ve come to actually dating someone and I’ve blocked a lot of that out of my memory because he basically ghosted me to get back with his ex and then 6 months later I found out he gave me chlamydia. I’m just starting to realize that both of those guys have left me with some trust issues that I’m trying to get over. There’s been hook ups here and there but those are the main two to know about. Stay away from brians.

Well my dear ex mike and I did stay friends for a while until he met his new fiance K (I dont want to include her name here as I dont know her and have nothing against her). Mike basically stopped talking to me after he and K started dating. Then I Iowkey crashed Johanna’s wedding with Terry (Terry and Jo got married btw!!!!!) where Mike was forced to say I couldnt crash with him and Mike and keenan bc MIKE AND K ARE ENGAGED!!!! which is the story of how johannah had to deal with mike and my 5 year old relationship baggage the night before her wedding. But the weekend made me realize how fucking condescending Mike can be. So I made it so he doesnt show up in my social media feed and its been a lot better for me but still messed me up a bit.

Other random highlights are going to france with geneseo alumni (fucking AWESOME!!! and WES WAS THERE!!!) oh and I went to ireland the summer after graduation!!! again!! fucking awesome!!

Well that p much gets us to today. Today is valentines day. Well technically there’s 13 minutes left. I go through phases where I feel perfectly content with my life. I like living by myself, just me and bean. living downtown and going out to grab drinks with friends. the occasional late summer night where you close the bars and grab pizza and stay at a friends apartment until 4am.  Then there are times where I just feel so dreadfully alone. I feel like the only people who understand me live hours away (brodie, erin, jen, amanda). journal, I’m going to six weddings next year. S I X. and 5 of them are people my age. I never expected to marry thing young, let alone meet ~the one~ but when this many of your friends are either dating or engaged or living together, you start to feel like there;s something wrong with you. celeste often gives me shit for lamenting about how single i am and puts herself in the same boat. But she had guys FALLING OVERTHEMSELVES for her. like i just thought of 4 or 5 in the brief 10 seconds i sat here. Even n**l is so obsessed with her that he ruined their friendship bc she kissed a random guy on NYE (full disclosure, he’s trash and sexist and we dont like him this isnt me being jealous) it is just me pointing out that she tends to always be the one being pursued. and I am the faithful hype man. giving her advice on what to say to them. If her outfit looks good. if she should go over. Celeste does all the same help for me, don;t get me wrong. but it usually ends up working out for her and she’ll get a date or two out of it. i rarely even get a text back. It really put it into perspective when she was livid that a guy wouldnt respond to her in a timely manner. Meanwhile Im here like “wait.... you get texts back?? regularly?!?!?!?! jesus fuckign christ whats THAT like”

Am i that much of a sadsack, journal? brodie says its because im very independent and strong and i give off this “i dont fuckin need you” vibe. which is cool if im lucy liu or angelina jolie however i do not look like the sex symbols that are those iconic women. don’t get me wrong, i have a lovely figure, especially after going to the gym. But I just don’t really think many/any men would see me as so hot that they’d talk to me despite being intimidating. Idk, maybe I’m feeling too sorry fro myself. Jesus it’s 20 fucking 20 and I’m still feeling lesser than and comparing myself to Celeste. It’s not just her, I’ve always felt iike the sidekick. alexis, andrea, mollie, tori, celeste, jen. They were always the pretty, likeable, charismatic one. I’ve always felt like the funny friend who hypes up the main characters storyline. I’m the Judy fucking Greer of life. 

I just need to commit and make a therapy appointment. I’ll email one tomorrow. It’s been my main 2020 goal and fuckin A im gonna make it happen. its been a long one but a good one. hey it just turned midnight, its no longer valentines day. thank fuckin god.